Today I got blood drawn AGAIN. And the nurse said: “You have good veins.” And I made a joke about how that’s my one claim to fame. AGAIN. I wonder how many times I’ve gotten blood drawn the last 11 years and joked about that. Too many to count. This is in such extreme contrast to Nicholas who never goes to the doctor. I think he was there once the day he was born. And probably showed up again for a tetanus shot when he was a kid and had gotten into his latest in the woods injury (“But Dad, I didn’t know you didn’t want me to play with machetes!”) He is so healthy. I used to be healthy, too.
But when I was hit by the car things changed. So a month ago when I was bit by a brown recluse spider I was frustrated, but after awhile the pain went away. But the past two weeks my knee has been terribly infected and we don’t know if it is related to that or possibly to an infection from my bone grafts of years ago. I’ve been in a good amount of pain, stuck on the sofa, and frustrated. I really had wanted to be recovering chairs this week.
I was in a ton of pain at urgent care the morning after Thanksgiving. The doctor had just mentioned that it could be more serious than what we were hoping. A few minutes later I hoped into the bathroom and cried a little. The pain was terrible. I was frustrated. I was feeling sorry for myself. And I was a little scared. I looked into the mirror and remembered looking in a different doctor’s office bathroom mirror years ago. It was when I was in the midst of the doctors and doctors and doctors and doctors who were putting me back together after the car hit me. I had stared in the mirror and told God the pain was just too much. I was tired. I just couldn’t handle it. I needed a powerful reminder that He hadn’t forgotten about me. “God, show me Yourself! Show me You still love me and haven’t forgotten me!” And later that day God strengthened me in the reality that the One who put every star in the sky, who traced the lines of every fingerprint, the one who attached every butterfly wing, is the God who was there holding my hand and very much had NOT forgotten about me but was very powerfully working the nightshift in my life. (That had been a key moment in my life – sortof a mountain of remembrance – one of those pillars of remembrance like it talks about in the Old Testament.) The fruit of that has been profound.
But back to the other day. I think just the idea of the cause of the pain being related to the injuries of years ago had freaked me out. I looked in that mirror and I said: “God, I’m tired. I’m hurting so bad! I’m scared! And I am still very much deep down the girl who looked in the mirror 10 years ago and cried. I am ultimately not any stronger because You alone are my strength.” But this is what came to mind next. “You may still be that girl. But don’t forget that I’m that same God. And, actually I have become greater to you since then (not that He has become any bigger, but I have come to know His greatness more deeply). You know my faithfulness. You have seen my goodness. You have seen my sovereignty.”
I was really encouraged in that. Sometimes it is just cool to walk into a similar moment as in the past and just be shocked back into the reality of all that God has done in the past and what that means for the present and future. God is so good! I don’t know what’s going to happen with my knee. BUT I know God and I know I am His.
Take a moment to remember one of those mountains of remembrance in your life. How God’s profound covenant faithfulness upheld you then. May that give you such confident joy in this same faithful God walking with you today!
PS. George Frederick is growing up so cutely! It is so funny to us because he is growing straight up! A funny gangly little 2 pounds of exuberance who has recently discovered the joy of Christmas wrapping paper and ribbons.